New World Relationships

Lynne Hoft & Vivian Hildebrandt

The key to healthy, happy relationships is Brilliance. All of the aspects of the Brilliance Formula contribute to one’s ability to create healthy relationships. The first step is to create a healthy relationship with self.

We live in a world of relationships. Whether we have a close family or no family, a few friends or many, relationships are essential to our awareness of ourselves and our development as human beings.  We come to know ourselves early in life through our interactions with those around us. We receive direct information about our capabilities and character. At the same time we interpret freely and add these perceptions to our self-concept package. It is our “me-concept” that we take into the world that is the magnet for the relationships that follow.

Through the highs and lows of life we are searching for our identity.

• We can choose to know ourselves through the judgments and perceptions of others that we have stored in our memory banks.

• Or, we can search for ourselves in another realm, using our inner access to our expanded self.

We have always had an expanded Quantum self with access to Brilliance and universal experience, characterized by freedom and joy.

As we move beyond our “thought” patterns, beliefs, and patterns of thinking, we gain a stronger connection to the innate Brilliance that is the core truth of who we are. Then we can become aware of how beliefs and thinking are the stuff that all human beings are dealing with. What we discover in self, we see in others. What we see in others often parallels our own habits and patterns of being.

We learn to recognize our “feelings” and the messages they give us about our thinking. We know when we are caught up in old habits and ways of being and when we are aligned with our Brilliance. Eventually we recognize in others the same pattern. We see when those others in our lives are acting out of their old habits—reacting to the feelings their beliefs engender. Often it is easier to see this play out in others than in ourselves.

As our understanding of “moods” grows we gain some mastery at knowing when to progress and when to hold back. We become able to connect our moods to our actions. We learn to avoid decision-making and conflict when in low moods. This alone eliminates many potential situations from erupting into conflicts. We also begin to recognize low moods in others and to allow space for low moods. We learn to avoid confronting and pushing when the mood levels prohibit healthy, sane interactions.

The core principles of the Brilliance Formula allow our relationships to improve. We are more able to accept that we are caught in an old habit vs. making ourselves wrong—condemned to being an eternal mess. And we are able to see others through the same lens. We are all learning to grow in our Brilliance.

Once we add understanding “separate realities” into the mix, our relationships are given a new field—a new foundation for development.

• We realize that our realities are unique and individual.
• We quit expecting others to think as we think and to see life as we see it.
• It is this key that opens the door to new ways of being in relationships.
• We gain the license to discover more deeply who the others are in our lives—by asking, listening, and hearing them share themselves with us.
• And we also share ourselves with them.

Now we are available for a deeper intimacy and a deeper love connection within our relationships.

Adding “forgiveness” moves us into a new level of being with others and with ourselves. We are able to go beyond our limits and forge pathways to freedom. We free ourselves and others from old molds, old ways of being. Doors open to new worlds, new realities where we are free to be our best.

When we bring our true self to “relationships”, the outcome is phenomenal. We give ourselves freely and can accept the sacred gifts that each other person brings. New worlds of relationships start when we find our wholeness and begin to recognize the wholeness of others. We create from this foundation and work to bring wholeness and healing into every action and interaction. When all work together from their Brilliance, their truth, anything is possible.

We human beings are a collective. We don’t learn alone, grow alone, or become all we can be, alone. Me, me, me is the consciousness that is reflected in the world we see today. It is finding our identity not as “me” but as “we”, a collective whole, that is the way we move forward. We are ONE. When we truly recognize our Oneness, the doors to heaven open and we go beyond our wildest dreams.

Back to Brilliance, © 2011

Because anger is so common in relationship problems, it needs attention.  To truly master our relationships, we need to master our feelings of anger. These feelings are easily triggered because of our conditioning and anger frequently hides deeper feelings we are afraid to share. Because our anger response often is harsh, explosive, and quickly gets out of control, it is imperative that we recognize its source.

Any negative feeling is attached to a pattern of thinking and belief about ourselves or others. Anger is attached to a thought, and a thought is just a thought until we give it life. The impact on relationships from anger—explosive, seething, sulking, or hostile—is devastating. Quiet anger is no less destructive than noisy anger. Whether anger is triggered by an old belief pattern or is purposely used to control others, it is a destroyer rather than a builder of relationships.

It is possible to master our feelings of anger. Any negative feeling is telling us to check our thinking. Anger is showing us that our thought system is in control and we’re out of control. We need to know our own flash points and learn to identify our early physical symptoms if we want to stop the process and avoid angry outbursts. If you find yourself clenching your teeth, tightening your fists, or shaking, take a deep breath, relax, and check your thinking. Ask yourself: Is making this thought right worth damaging my relationship with this person? Could I share this thought or resolve this situation another way without anger?

Once you gain the ability to catch your anger before it gets away from you and to look at the thoughts that are triggering your anger response, you’ll realize that these thoughts really weren’t all that important. They didn’t reflect your values. They weren’t justified. They certainly were not worth destroying a relationship.

Anger is a kind of rejection that pushes people away and resolves nothing. When we shift from the thought patterns behind the anger to our Brilliance, we receive the gift of acceptance. We can accept that we have different viewpoints, different experiences, and different realities. We may still have problems to resolve, but through our wisdom and understanding, we can access the best solutions. We can defuse our anger and create better relationships.

Excerpted in part from Activate Your Brilliance, Back to Brilliance ©2007.

Many of us have a habit of judging others in our relationships. How do we deal with this most common habit and barrier to healthy relationships? First, we need to understand and remember that judgments are just thoughts we have focused on and made real. We judge according to our expectations, losing sight of the fact that we all have separate realities and don’t see things the same. In low moods, whatever we see seems to be at its worst.

When we get caught up in judging someone else, we tend to lose sight of the whole person and see only the problem we have identified as theirs. We judge others for the “big” stuff, from not taking out the trash to misplacing the newspaper to being a loudmouth shrew. In our minds they could do better or be better.

Often we’re even harsher on ourselves with our judgments than we are on others. When we haven’t lived up to our own standards we become the object of our scorn. We think we can’t do anything right, haven’t learned yet, are stupid and shortsighted. When others are judging us, it’s fairly easy to ignore or discount those we don’t know well or care about; however, judgments from those we know and love can cut deep and be long remembered.

Have you ever had a positive result come from making a negative judgment about another or about yourself? All the judgments we’ve identified here are negatives that are classified and held for a long time. This long shelf life of judgments cheats the one making the judgment from really knowing another and prevents the one judged from being known.

Judgments drain our energy. They come from our computer patterns of thinking. When we engage in them, our negative feelings should be our first clue to pay attention and redirect our attention and our energy. Although judgments about nuclear warfare might seem worthy of the negative energy spent, judgments about hairstyles and lifestyles contribute little or nothing. Underneath these judgments we find a lack of respect for ourselves and everyone else.

When we have agreements or shared expectations with others and they aren’t working, we can always renegotiate without judgment in a respectful way. Any time spent in making judgments or being concerned about the judgments others have made is wasted. Imagine what we could be doing from our natural Brilliance instead. Judgments are always negative; instead, we can admire, compliment, and acknowledge the positive traits of others seen from our Brilliance through the eyes of respect. Yes! we can see the best and forget the rest.

A community might involve coaching Little League or soccer, or supporting the kids at a game, with your presence or by selling raffle tickets or baking cakes for a fund raiser. We actually get to know the people in this small community and feel a personal sense of belonging over the season.

What about our family community? Do you have one of “those” families where everyone is spreading the latest gossip; or do you have one of those “other” families that work to support everyone through their latest hardships or greatest accomplishments? Either type of family community allows us to really get to know each other, like it or not.

Most community members have a habit of making judgments about others, those we know well and those we don’t really know at all. It may be that we have a set of categories that people fall into. Or we see certain characteristics in others that are different from us and so we create stories about them.  Some may be “big” talkers so we identify them as pushy. Others may dress down and we assume they lack manners and social savvy.

Whenever we find ourselves having such thoughts we need to remember that our judgments speak more about us than about others. It is our perception of the world, of how things should be, that separate us from others. When we do this we miss out on all of the gifts those “others” are bringing to us. When we cannot accept others, it is a reflection of something in ourselves, something that we are not accepting, something we fear or perhaps doubt about our adequacy.

In reality, judgments are simply opportunities for us to grow. When we are making judgments there is a “distress” within that we often project onto those we judged. We can use these feelings to recognize that we have slipped into a judgmental habit. This recognition can give us pause to let go of our limiting beliefs and ideas that separate us from those around us. The easiest way to stop judging others is to stop judging ourselves. We can do this when we learn to see the natural Brilliance in ourselves, and in others.

In today’s world, it will take all of us to make it a better place, to right the wrongs, and to bring more love and healing to its problems and injustice. The more we’re able to drop our judgments, the closer we are to building a community that can thrive and bring out the best in all. In these communities we will begin to see others through new eyes and appreciate them, and ourselves, in the process.  Letting go of negative judgments allows us to build positive and sustaining communities.

Life is experienced through relationships. We live and work with others. When we shift to living in our Brilliance we are able to recognize theBrilliance in others. Bringing our Brilliance into our relationships elevates and expands their potential. As we focus from our natural Brilliance and see the Brilliance in others We create vital connections that uplift and inspire. This process promises brilliant relationships.

Our brilliant relationships create brilliant communities. We can change what is happening in the world today. Change begins with one good idea. A brilliant idea supported by a brilliant community will impact everyone. When collective Brilliance is applied to any situation an unstoppable power for good is released.

As we write this our world seems to be in serious trouble on all fronts. No one has a crystal ball that shows us the ideal outcome. Collectively we have the power to choose the direction we move in, within our societies, our nation, and our world. Where do we begin?

Waiting for somebody to step up and take charge for all of us won’t work. That is an outside-in approach that denies the contributions each of us is here to make.

• Our best beginning is to connect with our Brilliance.
• Then we can connect with the Brilliance of others.
• Together we can pool our brilliant ideas which will always lead to expanded solutions to the situations we face.

Brilliant solutions incorporate the needs of all and serve everyone. A collective action from Natural Brilliance holds the power to transform the world’s problems.

We heal ourselves when we live from our Brilliance. Healing our planet, our countries, and our societies, comes from our willingness to live our heart’s desire and do what we love. This is our most important gift to life.

Excerpt from Stop Stress Guide: The Brilliance Formula in Action ©2009

Question: Can I understand how I am a “mirror” in my relationships?

If we knew we had it in our power to feel good, to feel fulfilled, to be happy and stress free, we wouldn’t ask others to change to make us happy. And we wouldn’t need to control others to make ourselves feel better. We all wish for great relationships. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we truly are.

The great comedian Flip Wilson used to say, “What you see is what you get!” What we put our attention on is what we get in our relationships.

If we look at the flaws in others, we may find that we are more often criticized. If we complain about and blame others, we may notice that others also are blaming us. In our relationships, we all serve as mirrors for one another. If we are seeing flaws, shortcomings, and problems when we look at those around us, we are seeing a reflection of our own thoughts and attitudes.

When we shift our thinking and see through our natural brilliance, through the eyes of love, we will find that new view reflected in those around us. This is the process for creating the relationships we really want. When we focus on what is working, what we love, what we admire and respect in others, that is what we’ll find in the relationships we create.

Here are a couple of experiments to help you recognize the best in others and to create great relationships.

Experiment #1: Identify one or two things you really appreciate in someone you love, and tell that person how you feel.

Experiment #2: Acknowledge someone in your life who you rarely celebrate or recognize.

If you have relationships that include partners, spouses or children at home, know that those relationships can be a source of continuous stress or continuous support. In times of fear about jobs and finances, along with worries about relatives, friends and/or children, we all tend to “work out” our stress at home.  Everyone there starts to feel upset, distressed or worse when stress is high. This isn’t what we need to make it through the hard times.

Let’s take a look at the general adjustments and pressures in our relationships.  First of all, relationships in the home always involve communication. Sometimes our communication habits need some work in order to make decisions and coexist peacefully. When we have children there are even more people to include in the process.

When two people decide to make a home together they bring all their previous patterns with them. Behaviors that are normal to one may seem unreasonable to the other. Many of us have assumed that we will get along without looking at our individual perceptions and differences. This can lead to conflict, heartache and even more stress.

We also bring our expectations, dreams, and desires into our relationships. When things don’t go as we expect them to we react out of surprise, hurt, or disappointment. These feelings are telling us that we are reacting from our old patterns of thinking. Until we’ve learned to shift from what we thought would be, to our Brilliance, we will be immersed in stress.

We can remove the stress from poor communication and learn to accept and/or negotiate our partner’s “crazy” patterns when we communicate from our Brilliance. We can turn hurt and disappointment into commitment and adventure when we see the Brilliance in others and work to share a life that honors “the others” in our relationships, without demanding shared viewpoints, goals and dreams.

Most of our relationship problems come from our conditioned thinking. Once we have learned to follow our natural Brilliance we can avoid the potholes and have a smoother, more loving journey for ourselves and our families.

If you want to learn more about how Brilliance can make good relationships better, and then turn better into best, access more of our articles on Brilliance to get a bigger picture. We will be sharing our views on “judging others” and “anger” in two articles coming soon.  Stay tuned.

People from large families may not believe they got all the parenting they expected because their parents’ attention would only go so far. All children have an idea of what a good parent is and what they want from their parents. If their expectation doesn’t match their reality, they feel a sense of loss which may be expressed through anger or a sense of unworthiness.

We can recognize the need behind our early thoughts and then add the understanding we gain as adults that we don’t have to let old thoughts and beliefs control our lives. When we do this we choose a new path toward healthier, happier relationships.

Another example is the expectations we have about our significant relationships. We have a list of how we want to be treated which is not always met by our loved one. In this conflict people often give up instead of working toward a mutually fulfilling relationship, free from old beliefs.

As adults we need to clean house and remove all the assumptions we created as children. Learn more about how to clean your own mental house by reading Chapter 5, “Break Free From Thought Patterns”, in our book, Activate Your Brilliance: 12 Keys to the Art of Living Happy.

First of all when anyone gets caught up in what they think someone else thinks about them, there is a gut clenching or very uncomfortable feeling that may range from sadness or despair to anger. Some people go to the anger first. When this happens to us it is our first indication that something is out of kilter.

We have come to understand that our feelings are messengers. Negative feelings tell us that our thoughts about whatever is going on are negative. In other words, we are making up something negative about another person, believing it, and perhaps acting on it. Whenever we experience trauma and drama in our families or jobs, it is because we have made our thoughts into facts.

We have learned to fact check from our natural Brilliance. Then we don’t have to personalize what other people are saying or thinking about us.  This is a huge stress eliminator. This makes stress relief easy for us.