Ask yourself this question: Can I let go of anger in my relationships? Because anger is such a common stressor in relationship problems, we need to give it some attention. To truly master our relationships, we need to master our feelings of anger. Anger is easily triggered because of our family conditioning and because it appears to be the “best” expression that shows how we are feeling at the time.

Our feeling vocabulary may be limited. We may be afraid, and cover it with anger. We may be frustrated to the max and let anger take over our words. We might simply feel defeated by a voicemail system when we have tried to get an important message through to a service representative. No matter when or where our anger takes the stage, we damage relationships with unrestrained anger.

Our frustration, irritation, and distress frequently build into anger because we don’t let these feelings out until we feel safe. Too often we let anger run riot with the people closest to us, or with those with whom we can “get away with it”. Because our anger response often is harsh, explosive, and quickly gets out of control, it is imperative that we recognize its source.

Any negative feeling is attached to a pattern of thinking or belief about ourselves or others. Anger is attached to a thought, and a thought is just a thought until we give it life. The impact on relationships from anger, explosive, seething, sulking, or hostile, is devastating. Quiet anger is no less destructive than noisy anger. Whether anger is triggered by an old belief pattern or is purposely used to control others, it is a destroyer rather than a builder of relationships.

It is possible to master our feelings of anger. Any negative feeling is telling us to check our thinking. Anger is showing us that our thought system is in control and we’re out of control. We need to know our own flash points and learn to identify our early physical symptoms if we want to stop the process and avoid angry outbursts.

If you find yourself clenching your teeth, tightening your fists, or shaking, take a deep breath, relax, and check your thinking. Ask yourself: Is making this thought “right” worth damaging my relationship with this person? Could I share this thought or resolve this situation another way without anger and stress?

Once you gain the ability to catch your anger before it gets away from you and to look at the thoughts that are triggering your anger response, you’ll realize that these thoughts really weren’t all that important. They didn’t reflect your values. They weren’t justified. They certainly were not worth destroying a relationship.

Anger is a kind of rejection that pushes people away and resolves nothing. When we shift from the thought patterns behind the anger to our brilliance, we receive the gift of acceptance. We can accept that we have different viewpoints, different experiences, and different realities. We may still have problems to resolve, but through our wisdom and understanding, we can access the best solutions and alleviate stress.

Giving up anger means giving up the thoughts behind it, particularly “I am right and he/she/you/they are wrong.” By giving up that one thought we gain more than we are afraid we might lose. We do not lose power (because we never had it). We do not lose importance (because we are always important). We do gain respect and the chance for safe, sane and loving communication that sustains us and all of those in our world.

Excerpted in part from Activate Your Brilliance, Back to Brilliance ©2007-2009

Ask yourself this question: Can I let go of judging others in my relationships?

Most of us have a habit of judging others in our relationships. How do we deal with this most common habit and barrier to healthy relationships? First, we need to understand and remember that judgments are just thoughts we have focused on and made real. We judge according to our expectations, losing sight of the fact that we all have separate realities and don’t see things the same.

When we get caught up in judging someone else, we tend to lose sight of the whole person and see only the problem we have identified as theirs. We judge others for the “big” stuff, from not taking out the trash to misplacing the newspaper to being a loudmouth. In our minds they could do better or be better.

We have experienced making judgments, and hundreds of assumptions, because we didn’t take the time to ask questions about what was happening or why someone said something. We all fall prey to the habit of judging others because of how they appear, talk, or where they work or worship.

But in our families, close friendships, or partnerships, we owe those we love or hold dear a better outcome than a fast judgment and the resulting disapproval, cold shoulder, or sermon from the mount. And, why are we on the “mount” anyway? What makes us more qualified to know how others should think, live, or act than they? It’s pretty funny when you think about it. We spend more of our creative energy judging others for being who they are than working on what we can control – our own goals, skills and talents.

Have you ever had a positive result come from making a negative judgment about another or about yourself? All the judgments we’ve identified here are negatives that are classified and held for a long time. This long shelf life of judgments cheats the one making the judgment from really knowing another and prevents the one judged from being known.

Judgments drain our energy. They come from our computer patterns of thinking. When we engage in them, our negative feelings should be our first clue to pay attention and redirect our attention and our energy. Although judgments about nuclear warfare might seem worthy of the negative energy spent, judgments about hairstyles and lifestyles contribute little or nothing. Underneath these judgments we find a lack of respect for ourselves and everyone else.

When we have agreements or shared expectations with others and they aren’t working, we can always renegotiate without judgment in a respectful way. When we disagree about little things, we can agree to disagree without calling loyalty or reason into question.

When we disagree about big things, we can seek common ground, letting go of every detail or stipulation that we think should occur.  When we look at the big picture of life, we can choose to make everything into a mountain, or just loosen up and let people breathe easy, appreciating the wonderful qualities they contribute to our lives.

Any time spent in making judgments or being concerned about the judgments others have made is wasted and produces stress. Judgments are always negative; instead, we can admire, compliment, and acknowledge the positive traits of others seen from our innate wisdom through the eyes of respect. This habit really makes relationships much more rewarding and a whole lot more fun.

If you have relationships that include partners, spouses or children at home, know that those relationships can be a source of continuous stress or continuous support. In times of fear about jobs and finances, along with worries about relatives, friends and/or children, we all tend to “work out” our stress at home.  Everyone there starts to feel upset, distressed or worse when stress is high. This isn’t what we need to make it through the hard times.

Let’s take a look at the general adjustments and pressures in our relationships.  First of all, relationships in the home always involve communication. Sometimes our communication habits need some work in order to make decisions and coexist peacefully. When we have children there are even more people to include in the process.

When two people decide to make a home together they bring all their previous patterns with them. Behaviors that are normal to one may seem unreasonable to the other. Many of us have assumed that we will get along without looking at our individual perceptions and differences. This can lead to conflict, heartache and even more stress.

We also bring our expectations, dreams, and desires into our relationships. When things don’t go as we expect them to we react out of surprise, hurt, or disappointment. These feelings are telling us that we are reacting from our old patterns of thinking. Until we’ve learned to shift from what we thought would be, to our Brilliance, we will be immersed in stress.

We can remove the stress from poor communication and learn to accept and/or negotiate our partner’s “crazy” patterns when we communicate from our Brilliance. We can turn hurt and disappointment into commitment and adventure when we see the Brilliance in others and work to share a life that honors “the others” in our relationships, without demanding shared viewpoints, goals and dreams.

Most of our relationship problems come from our conditioned thinking. Once we have learned to follow our natural Brilliance we can avoid the potholes and have a smoother, more loving journey for ourselves and our families.

If you want to learn more about how Brilliance can make good relationships better, and then turn better into best, access more of our articles on Brilliance to get a bigger picture. We will be sharing our views on “judging others” and “anger” in two articles coming soon.  Stay tuned.

The experts say that we are designed to experience stress and react to it. Stress can be positive and intensify our awareness. If you have ever played soccer or softball or tennis or any competitive sport, you know this kind of stress is actually exhilarating and can bring out our best efforts.

However, the stress we feel from job pressures and demands is not exhilarating. The stress you experience when getting bad news about someone you love might feel like a ball of fire in your gut and a tightness that takes time to release. The stress many of us have felt in long-term bad relationships can even lead to emotional disorders because our chronic stress reactions haven’t been released or resolved.

In other words, the stress that continues unabated, that we can’t get relief from, becomes distress to our bodies. That’s the kind of stress we have to get a handle on. If we don’t, we face the consequences of anger, depression, high blood pressure, and many more health problems.

Statistics say that 60-90 percent of illness is stress-related. Would you like to avoid that statistical outcome? We have found that we can change our minds. In other words, we have to change what we are thinking to get some real freedom from long-term stress.

Let’s say you have a demanding and harsh boss who is high on criticism and low on positive acknowledgement. Over time you vacillate between being angry and complaining to others, to personalizing his/her behavior and thinking there is something really wrong with you or your abilities.

The tension, anger, anxiety and hopelessness spin around you. The job you thought was great has turned into a nightmare. And your friends and family are feeling the brunt of your unhappiness.

Can you step back and take a deep breath? Your boss is in charge of his/her behavior and his reaction is coming from his own set of beliefs and thoughts. Any number of people could have your job and be treated exactly the same way as you are being treated.

Can you change to a new thought: “I will do the best I can because I want to do my best”. “My boss doesn’t know how to handle stress and it’s not my fault”.

With new thoughts, you will experience some immediate relief in your reactions—less anger and tension. You have to be persistent in keeping your attention on these new thoughts. But changing your mind will bring more stress relief that you can imagine.

Can you stay in a poor work environment long term? That will be your decision. It’s hard in today’s workplace one may feel trapped by your need for a paycheck, health insurance or other benefits, and will put up with extremely negative conditions. You may feel uncertain as to what a next career move is and delay making a change. If the situation is intolerable, then looking for a new job could be your best plan.

Keep checking your thoughts and changing your mind whenever you are feeling stressed. If you don’t believe it will work, experiment with the little stuff that bothers you. Change your mind about how every little thing ‘should’ be and insert a new thought that is more flexible. Changing your mind works, if you work at it.